remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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