listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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