how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
