you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
