your thong is hanging out like whoa
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
