hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
