if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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