I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just found puke in my bra..
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Couch. On fire.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
