Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
