Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
