I cannot find my penis.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
