Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize