a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
