Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
