Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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