I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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