Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
honey bunches of taint.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
