he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
