sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
