he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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