I'm going to rape someone's good day.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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