Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
