How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
