I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
