Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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