Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
