Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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