i permit you to call me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
