I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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