He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
