So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
