i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
