i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
