Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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