Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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