I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
