Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize