YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize