He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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