Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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