guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
