just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
