dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
