Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
