You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
