It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
