Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
