you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
