my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
