I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
