the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
