So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
