he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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