did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
