she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
