I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
