Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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