bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
