Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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