I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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