He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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