he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize