I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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