Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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