i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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