I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
