It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
