its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
