GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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