Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
