ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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