that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize